I originally called this 'masking' as it was akin to masking tape covering up bits of what I wished to communicate. Since autistic communities use the word 'masking' to mean akin to 'putting on a mask' (what I refer to as my facade), I take inspiration from audio engineering and the idea of a notch filter removing specific spectral information from a signal. Language wise, I appear fluent, and people generally don't believe me if I say I have major communication difficulties. The problem is that other people can't see what I *wish* to communicate, only what I do. What I do communicate, I generally get across reasonably eloquently. But it is what I can't that is the problem. Much of that are words and conversations that I can imagine, but can't put into words, and often can't even type privately. So to me it's completely obvious that I have such difficulties, since I (and I alone) have access to knowledge of what I *wish* or *need* to communicate: like a poker player I know what my hand is, but others are in the dark. ## Illustrating Notching I'll try to illustrate notching using a passage from the Bible (WEB translation, since it is public domain). I'll take a chunk from the start o the Sermon on the Mount. ```poem 5 Seeing the multitudes, he went up onto the mountain. When he had sat down, his disciples came to him. 2 He opened his mouth and taught them, saying, 3 "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven. 4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. 5 Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth. 6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled. 7 Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy. 8 Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. 9 Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God. 10 Blessed are those who have been persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven. 11 "Blessed are you when people reproach you, persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely, for my sake. 12 Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven. For that is how they persecuted the prophets who were before you. 13 "You are the salt of the earth, but if the salt has lost its flavor, with what will it be salted? It is then good for nothing, but to be cast out and trodden under the feet of men. 14 You are the light of the world. A city located on a hill can't be hidden. 15 Neither do you light a lamp and put it under a measuring basket, but on a stand; and it shines to all who are in the house. 16 Even so, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in heaven. ``` ## Word Level Notching Let's take a single verse. ```poem 4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. ``` Suppose that saying or thinking about the word 'mourn' induces anxiety, since it is connected to the concept of death, which is a bad thing one would generally like to avoid. So this turns into ```poem 4 Blessed are those who REDACTED, for they shall be comforted. ``` then in order to construct something that makes sense as English, the `REDACTED` will then be removed and something synthesised in its place, much like the modern 'magic healing brush' AI stuff does. So ```poem 4 Blessed are those who [need to be comforted], for they shall be comforted. ``` is the result. It makes sense, and people can and do easily make the mistake of thinking that "Blessed are those who need to be comforted, for they shall be comforted." is exactly what I intended to say. ## Sentence Level Notching Let's start with four of the beatitudes: ```poem 3 Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven. 4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. 5 Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth. 6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled. ``` Again, let's suppose the words `mourn`, `hunger`, and `thirst` are considered 'bad', and so get notched out. Now the result becomes: ```poem 3 Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven. REDACTED 5 Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth. REDACTED ``` and then we see that there are gaps, so synthesise some content. ```poem 3 Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven. Indeed they shall see the Kingdom in their lifetimes. 5 Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth. For the Earth is indeed their inheritance. ``` Sounds like scripture, and if you had no access to the original text, how would you know what is original, what is redacted, and what is synthesised? ## More Generally Various concepts in my mind are labelled 'bad stuff', or are what I would describe as 'sources of potential anxiety'. Anything which could conceivably *lead* to 'bad stuff' is labelled 'potential bad stuff'. And this is recursive: anything which could conceivably lead to *potential* bad stuff is labelled potential bad stuff, though not as strongly. I have a strong instinct to avoid such 'potential bad stuff', and going towards it is anxiety inducing. It is this way with both words and deeds. My thoughts can go places my words and body can't, but only in my imagination. The 'anxiety avoidance mechanism' basically filters what can get from my private thoughts to my outer facade. ## In Summary I cannot always tell you things that I need to. I cannot always even indicate that such things are there. Often the best I can do is to say that I have such communication difficulties, only to have the door slammed in my face by one professional or another saying I'm communicating just fine. This has happened repeatedly, to the point that I have almost given up bothering trying to explain it to others. Writing this is the first time I've had any kind of attempt at this since I was in Russell Clinic in 2018. If a door is slammed in my face, even (and often) inadvertently, it becomes yet another source of 'potential bad stuff', and so gets marked as 'avoid'. These 'avoid' markers build up, and take a long time to break down. Thus the walls of my Maze grow. ## Notching In General One further remark is that there is nothing language-specific about this Notching: it affects deeds and behaviours as much as it affects language. It is a pervasive trait, probably more to do with my autistic nature than with my bipolar disorder or psychosis, though these two do interact in many nontrivial ways.