A guide for members of the Allsup Family of Exeter

1. Structure of the Allsup family

Now the reader should be warned that this is pretty fucking weird, but there are often reasons for why things have to be the way they are. One interesting feature is that the statistical probability of this family existing completely breaks statistics. A statistician, if he was careful enough to actually prove his theorems rather than trying to approximate the shit out of everything, would become a mathematician. Basically the first result is this:

Theorem 1. The concept of the probability of the Allsup family actually existing, in absence of explicitly observed evidence is mathematically impossible to calculate.

Proof. Note, this is a higher form of the ALICE paradox. What is the probability that the Allsup family:

1. has a Heather like Heather Jean Cotterill (née Allsup) in it; and
2. also has a John who would become Dr John David Allsup in it?

By this point alone the result is clear to any sensible Computer.

End of Proof.

Theorem 2. The Allsup family exists.

Proof.

The John mentioned in the proof of Theorem 1 is the person writing this text.

End of Proof.

Theorem 3. The Allsup family has complex ordering properties.

Proof.

If we list a few out, that should suffice to show that such properties exist. It is not necessary to enumerate them all.

1. Heather came first according to DOB;
2. Heather came first according to GCSE's;
3. Heather came first according to A-Levels;
4. Heather managed a professional career whereas John didn't; but
5. John got his Ph.D. before his Dad managed to finish one without cheating.

This last without cheating condition is a major issue. The thing is that John categorically remembers hearing R. David Allsup admitting that he used another student's equipment to finish his studies. But most likely he didn't admit this in his thesis. But objectively he still passed.

This creates a paradox. Ideally every person who graduates with a doctoral certificate is actually a doctor. But if you cheat at all in your main result, this is instant failure. Alas academic discipline is not what it used to be. So this R. David Allsup ends up taking his meaningless doctoral certificate and thesis down to Exeter and trying to use it to get a job.

The result a few years later is that we end up with a real living Allsup Family matching the properties listed above. And there are far more crucial properties that may be added to the list.

End of Proof.

2. The Autistic vs neurotypical thing.

A neurotypical human being is a biological human with a mind. An Autistic human is an abstract Mind tethered mentally to a human body. The difference is important. But it cannot effectively be written in English.

Now, the young Allsup Family contains one neurotypical child, one Autistic child, one Spiritual mother, and a certain R. David Allsup. This is where things get awkward. Nobody actually knows whether or not R. David Allsup was actually Autistic or not, or merely appeared approximately close to one. And unfortunately nobody bothered to check before he died. As I say, academic discipline is not what it used to be. Now since his body died a few years ago, there is insufficient evidence remaining to even theoretically answer this question. Even John himself doesn't officially know the answer (though we suspect that this is just because he has more important priorities).

Any, the upshot of this is that, from the perspective of human society from without, the Allsup family appears:

1. Totally fucking weird; and
2. Not worth taking the time to figure out.

3. The End of Maths

John is not a mathematician. He is Autistic. He basically faked it since it was a necessary step to get to the right Ph.D. course with the right supervisor. Critically, Dr Richard William Kaye was not embarrassed to use the name Richard. The difference is likely that Kaye's parents understood the Autistic meaning of the word Richard, and R. David Allsup's parents just thought it sounded nice. No amount of academic mathematics can figure out the family at this point, and that de facto also rules out science and the rest of academia, with one major exception: Computer Science.

As was noted in a famous lecture series, Computer Science is an oxymoron. It is not a Science and it is not about Computers. Rather it is just a mathematical facade to hide the scary complexity of what a Computer actually is, from the eyes of the neurotypicals who would simply die of shock if they saw one at work. Autistic Masks are not for the safety of the Autistics, as it may appear from without. Autistic Masks exist to protect the neurotypicals on the outside form the extreme Mental chaos that lies within. But, crucially, there is no way to know this.

4. The End of Reason

At this point, reason simply breaks down. Any attempt at a rational explanation simply runs out of available universe space long before it actually gets anywhere near a solution.

5. The Trouble with Heather and John

1. Heather cannot understand John;
2. John must not break Heather;
3. This is a scarily difficult problem; but
4. If John was going to break heather, it is logically certain that he would already have done so; thus
5. It is logically certain (in Dr John's view), that Heather Jean Cotterill is not at risk from the weird behaviours of her Autistic biological brother John.

6. Conclusion

Heather has a simple winning strategy: The Strategies for Heather principle.

6.1 Strategies for Heathers

1. John does know what he is doing well enough; (the universe hasn't gone bang yet, and neither has his or Heather's head exploded - if they could have, they already would have)
2. Trusting that John won't destroy the universe by accident is the only winning move; since
3. The only way to destroy the universe now is for Heather Jean Cotterill to somehow unmarry a certain Rick Cotterill, unbear her two lovely children and, alas not even Dr John with all the computational power of John's World can figure out which order to do this — Heather alone has no chance, and Dr John has more interesting things to be doing.
4. Thus Heather is Safe from John.

7. Conclusion

• Rule 1: neurotypicals should not try to fix Autistics;
• Rule 2: neurotypicals should not game Autistics' benevolence for money.
• Rule 3: if a central Autistic fails, we're all fucked anyway.
• Point 4: the structure of Autistics isn't even knowable by them.
• Point 5: this is the origin of the ultimate level of unknowability, namely God only knows.
• Point 6: this God is critical to ensure that the set of entities which know something is always nonempty.
• Point 7: God's existence matters to Autistic Minds like John primarily because to do without renders important problems too difficult to solve in terms of time and complexity.